she’s perturbed by the older one because “he’s too old.” she’s right. i won’t even be thirty by the time he’s in his fifties.
she told me i have ambition and that an older man, if he’s not wise and strong, will prevent me from reaching my full potential because he’ll want to keep me to himself. i see that in him.
that’s why i love the current one. he’s a partner. even though i identify more with Lauren, i really could be the Mackenzie to his Jeff.
personally, i believe i could become Secretary of State of this country if i wanted that post. head down, grind it out, make allies, build a profile. there’s a blueprint.
ambition matters to me because it’s how i relate to the world.
i was thinking this morning about how my ambitions have changed and how now one of my greatest, if not my top, ambition is to have the motherhood of my dreams. this is why i am so hard on men. the father of my children has to be above all others—the very best of the best. this is an ambition of mine.
when he and i got together, i was a bit scared because he’s young. young in the sense that he hasn’t established himself yet and you’re making a bet there. it could go either way.
however, what we share is our taste for ambition. this is important to me.
the last one before him was older. i didn’t realize this then but i do now: dating older men is like wearing a wool coat. there’s a weight and warmth that’s comforting…to those so inclined.
younger men are like blazers. not so much linen (at least if they’re emotionally stable and mature) but like velvet. something with structure but not that heaviest around. in winters, you want a wool coat, not a blazer. however, you can choose to live in a warmer climate.
back to the last one…he lacked my taste for ambition. we deeply love each other and he and i have an addiction to the other but my concept of scale is not the same as his and in the long run, that’ll be an issue. there’s a mindset to this.
she mentioned how men trick women by being generous in the front end, or at least saying they will, but not being able to fulfill that in an actual, long term commitment relationship (marriage). no separate apartment, no pampering, no “send me the link.” this is a mindset that should be present before you arrive…or you train it in them but it needs to be confirmed and tested over and over and over again. if he’s not spending all his money on you, he’s spending it on someone else. this is my math.
for me, there’s this mindset and there’s ambition. i want both. i want passion. i want love. i want total commitment. i want a beautiful love story where we choose each other over and over and over again. but my ambition must be fulfilled. i know I’ll never be happy if i don’t feel im not fulfilling that aspect of myself.
so the old one fulfills (in some ways) me then; this new one fulfills me now and i truly believe he will fulfill me in the long run. the thing about aging is that he himself will become an old man. that weight and warmth that i find comforting will come into scope again. by then, i’ll have everything I’ve always wanted (my darling children, my apartment, complete freedom to exist, our love, etc).
MAVIS NICHOLSON: “Do you think it is possible, then, for someone to forgive themselves even when they’ve done something absolutely terrible?”
TONI MORRISON: “Yes.It’s called grace. At some point you do. If you don’t, you’re in a cul-de-sac. But you have to go through the fire first. You have to experience the full fall, and the complete self-loathing, in order to come around to something like the forgiving of oneself. It’s when you skip responsibility, when you use a subsititute emotion like guilt–which is of no use to anyone–but if you feel the real thing which is shame, hatred, humiliation, and self-loathing: that is the door. And if you get through that, then you can forgive yourself.”
It is a SIN not to enjoy your life. I’m going to keep telling you this: Every time you make yourself small you are setting yourself up to be punished !!!
